my own stupidity

I never trusted those old sayings.

But this one attracts me. It goes- “jangan terlalu sayang, nanti benci; jangan terlalu benci, nanti sayang”

This one person, not even an example can be shown how much aku sayang dia. 

How much aku rindu dia. Even though kitorang gaduh macam mana pun, the one that who took care of me the most, was dia ((sexuality remains anonymous sorry not sorry))

Secret ha tak payah cakap la from the cleanest to the dirtiest, we shared everything. Whenever we go out, the one yang fix my hair dia ni la. Sometimes kitorang share outfit and dia bukan kisah kalau pakai barang barang aku. I didn’t mind because I was sharing things with the one I love.

Aku boleh kira berapa kali dia ingat birthday aku. Kalau tak sebab orang ingatkan, jangan harap dia nak wish. Aku tak pernah lupa. Bodohnya sampai sekarang aku ingat.

Fav food fav drink fav videos on youtube about dia semua aku tau. Tapi dia tak pernah nak amik tau aku suka apa, aku nak apa. Tapi aku bukan kisah pun. Sebab sayang punya pasal kan.

We’ve both dah pernah tengok masing masing menangis sampai tersumbat hidung meleleh hingus pe semua yet I still love this dimwit person.

Aku ada habit sebelum tidur, someone had to tickles my back/arm/hand/feet lepastu baru aku boleh tidur. It all started masa kecik kecik dulu kena belai dengan ayah sebelum tidur kah kah.

Then with this person, pun ada habit yang sama. Sampaikan kadang kadang tu we woke up kaki aku kat muka dia, kaki dia kat muka aku. Hahaha.

Whenever I bought things tak kisah la from the highest range of price to the cheapest pun, I reminded myself to buy two. Paling cikai pun beli gula gula choclairs. Itu pun beli dua.

Satu untuk dia. Satu untuk aku.

Kalau keluar, aku mesti paksa dia. Sebab aku seronok dia ada. I’m going to have someone to talk to. I’m going to have someone to cling on side by side.

Years passed.

Dia berubah. Bukan growing up, I know berubah dengan growing up ada beza but this person, changed.

Bila keluar, dia tak bagitau. Ok aku diamkan je. Mungkin dia nak lepak dengan kawan kawan dia yang lain.

Dia bosan ke dengan aku? Ke dia tak suka aku ada?

Still, I keep myself silenced.

Bila aku bercerita dengan dia, aku rasa macam aku bercakap dengan Miko ((one of my teddy bear remember?)) I got no response none other than a nod. Dia tak cerita apa apa pun. Sampaikan aku dah tak tau apa jadi kat life dia in reality.

Dulu, apa yang dia suka semua aku cuba ikut. Hobi dia bukan sesuai pun untuk aku tapi sebab aku sayang dia, aku minta dia ajar.

I just wanted to spend time. Itu je yang aku nak.

Ask my friends, aku paling tak athletic langsung. Kadang tu bila jog dengan kawan kawan, aku la orang kat belakang sekali nun jauh tertinggal sebab my lack of uh energy?

So aku jela cam bodo tercungap cungap sorang sorang.

Lepas subuh sanggup tak tidur sebab sanggup nak teman dia jogging. Sanggup jalan jauh semata mata nak pergi court kat batu sebelas tu. Sanggup kotorkan baju aku untuk hobi dia. Sanggup tak tidur malam main playstation dengan dia. Sanggup main game perang game samurai game kereta racing game wrestling game gta daripada Barbie. Sebab apa? Sebab sayang.

Kerja sekolah bahasa inggeris dia aku buatkan. Esok tu dia kata dia kena puji dalam kelas.

Bila dia dah busy, aku cuba bagi dia space. Taknak bagi dia serabut. Aku dulu pakai phone cikai je.

Phone yang baling kat anjing boleh mati tu.

Aku cam eksaited sikit ah bila dia ada phone baru yang touch touch ni. Tapi dia tak suka, tak suka kalau aku usik barang dia.

Ok. Aku ikut.

Lepas kitorang makan, kalau dia taknak basuh pinggan tak apa. I’m willing to do the dishes walaupun tangan aku cepat kecut kena air.

Kalau dia nak makan minum sesuatu pun, aku sanggup berlapar sebab nak bagi dia satisfied dulu.

Lama lama, dia kurang bercakap dengan aku. Melepak sama lagi lah. I couldn’t accept yang dia ni was starting to go far. Besarkan lagi the gap between us.

Sampai hati.

Dia pergi macamtu je, tinggalkan aku. I was a kid that time ((I consider form 4 is still a kiddo)) & all my life aku tau I’ll be safe sebab aku ada dia. The one to catch me if I fall.

The one that will extended a pair of hand when I met the ground.

The one to use both index fingers to lift up the frown at the corner of my lips & smoothened the cease on my forehead.

Tapi kenapa ya Allah, this person decided to fcked up & I won’t be lying that I am still upset, deeply, truly heartbroken & enraged that I was left hanging.

It feels like we were thrown into a packed crowd for so long, both struggling to find the exit but the one to escape was this person yet this person didn’t even bother to spare a glance on me yang drowned behind amongst the crowd

I was suffocated.

Rindu yang ada was replaced by hatred. Sayang yang ada was replaced by all the dismissive words I know.

I know you won’t be reading this craps. But the only way to calm me down, lupakan semua ni is to write. The only thing I could do is write.

Ada kau tahu? The day that you vanished completely from life, you’ve taken away my soul as well.

The cause of my shattered heart ripped into pieces was caused by you.

The downfall in my life was because of me crying because of you.

The way I acted coldly to people that approached me surprised me as well.

I blamed everything on you because I was so stupid in placing 100% of my love & sincerity to you yet do you even care?

Damn it.