Buku baru

Every time you move forward in life, no one can help but to bring the past as well even for the slightest thing. It remains.

What does? 
Memories.

After all the bullshits you left years ago, pls lah weh dont even bother to come back. Kau lupa macam mana kau lupakan aku? Kau lupa macam mana kau layan aku?

Semua tu in the past and aku pun tak nak ingat kau. 
I have my own life and yes I moved on.

All the ups and downs in my life dah tak ada kena mengena dengan kau. We both knew ada something yang kita tak boleh lupa and I cant deny it myself. Tapi cuba, cuba lupakan aku terus.
Jangan langsung kau datang kat aku.

September, the bits of nearing the end of the year ni I want to seek my own happiness. Maybe I did found one, but the doubt won't go away.

I'll be asking myself, clutching my own shirt tightly as I immerse myself in my own thought "Betul ke apa aku buat ni?"

Risau tu memang risau. Obstacles takyah cerita ah berapa banyak. Menggunung jugak.

Kadang tu aku tanya jugak apa sebenarnya yang aku buat. Maybe dah lama, dah lama sangat aku terbiasa main main. I wasnt acting but I swear I didnt notice the hints given. 

Bukan aku bodoh, I was oblivious on things that revolved around me. Kadang tu aku sedar yang aku alpa dengan dunia.

Aku jenis tak fikir. Lepas aku buat something, baru nak regret. 

Yes, aku memang jenis macamtu. Benda semua nak cepat pastu tak guna akal.

Kesian kepala otak aku ni tak kena explore dengan tuan sendiri




The sincerity you have proven managed to trigger my feelings somehow. Kau kena tau aku ni jenis buat perangai. Suka cari pasal hahaha. Esok sebenarnya aku ada test bm tapi apa aku buat sekarang ni pun aku tak tau zzzz


Yang pasti, bulan ni aku taknak sedih sedih dah. Taknak fikir sangat apa apa dah. Biasa ah, pompuan ni kalau emotional dia macam sakai sikit.

So, bukak buku baru okay?
Aku cuba, cuba jadi yang terbaik ;)

my own stupidity

I never trusted those old sayings.

But this one attracts me. It goes- “jangan terlalu sayang, nanti benci; jangan terlalu benci, nanti sayang”

This one person, not even an example can be shown how much aku sayang dia. 

How much aku rindu dia. Even though kitorang gaduh macam mana pun, the one that who took care of me the most, was dia ((sexuality remains anonymous sorry not sorry))

Secret ha tak payah cakap la from the cleanest to the dirtiest, we shared everything. Whenever we go out, the one yang fix my hair dia ni la. Sometimes kitorang share outfit and dia bukan kisah kalau pakai barang barang aku. I didn’t mind because I was sharing things with the one I love.

Aku boleh kira berapa kali dia ingat birthday aku. Kalau tak sebab orang ingatkan, jangan harap dia nak wish. Aku tak pernah lupa. Bodohnya sampai sekarang aku ingat.

Fav food fav drink fav videos on youtube about dia semua aku tau. Tapi dia tak pernah nak amik tau aku suka apa, aku nak apa. Tapi aku bukan kisah pun. Sebab sayang punya pasal kan.

We’ve both dah pernah tengok masing masing menangis sampai tersumbat hidung meleleh hingus pe semua yet I still love this dimwit person.

Aku ada habit sebelum tidur, someone had to tickles my back/arm/hand/feet lepastu baru aku boleh tidur. It all started masa kecik kecik dulu kena belai dengan ayah sebelum tidur kah kah.

Then with this person, pun ada habit yang sama. Sampaikan kadang kadang tu we woke up kaki aku kat muka dia, kaki dia kat muka aku. Hahaha.

Whenever I bought things tak kisah la from the highest range of price to the cheapest pun, I reminded myself to buy two. Paling cikai pun beli gula gula choclairs. Itu pun beli dua.

Satu untuk dia. Satu untuk aku.

Kalau keluar, aku mesti paksa dia. Sebab aku seronok dia ada. I’m going to have someone to talk to. I’m going to have someone to cling on side by side.

Years passed.

Dia berubah. Bukan growing up, I know berubah dengan growing up ada beza but this person, changed.

Bila keluar, dia tak bagitau. Ok aku diamkan je. Mungkin dia nak lepak dengan kawan kawan dia yang lain.

Dia bosan ke dengan aku? Ke dia tak suka aku ada?

Still, I keep myself silenced.

Bila aku bercerita dengan dia, aku rasa macam aku bercakap dengan Miko ((one of my teddy bear remember?)) I got no response none other than a nod. Dia tak cerita apa apa pun. Sampaikan aku dah tak tau apa jadi kat life dia in reality.

Dulu, apa yang dia suka semua aku cuba ikut. Hobi dia bukan sesuai pun untuk aku tapi sebab aku sayang dia, aku minta dia ajar.

I just wanted to spend time. Itu je yang aku nak.

Ask my friends, aku paling tak athletic langsung. Kadang tu bila jog dengan kawan kawan, aku la orang kat belakang sekali nun jauh tertinggal sebab my lack of uh energy?

So aku jela cam bodo tercungap cungap sorang sorang.

Lepas subuh sanggup tak tidur sebab sanggup nak teman dia jogging. Sanggup jalan jauh semata mata nak pergi court kat batu sebelas tu. Sanggup kotorkan baju aku untuk hobi dia. Sanggup tak tidur malam main playstation dengan dia. Sanggup main game perang game samurai game kereta racing game wrestling game gta daripada Barbie. Sebab apa? Sebab sayang.

Kerja sekolah bahasa inggeris dia aku buatkan. Esok tu dia kata dia kena puji dalam kelas.

Bila dia dah busy, aku cuba bagi dia space. Taknak bagi dia serabut. Aku dulu pakai phone cikai je.

Phone yang baling kat anjing boleh mati tu.

Aku cam eksaited sikit ah bila dia ada phone baru yang touch touch ni. Tapi dia tak suka, tak suka kalau aku usik barang dia.

Ok. Aku ikut.

Lepas kitorang makan, kalau dia taknak basuh pinggan tak apa. I’m willing to do the dishes walaupun tangan aku cepat kecut kena air.

Kalau dia nak makan minum sesuatu pun, aku sanggup berlapar sebab nak bagi dia satisfied dulu.

Lama lama, dia kurang bercakap dengan aku. Melepak sama lagi lah. I couldn’t accept yang dia ni was starting to go far. Besarkan lagi the gap between us.

Sampai hati.

Dia pergi macamtu je, tinggalkan aku. I was a kid that time ((I consider form 4 is still a kiddo)) & all my life aku tau I’ll be safe sebab aku ada dia. The one to catch me if I fall.

The one that will extended a pair of hand when I met the ground.

The one to use both index fingers to lift up the frown at the corner of my lips & smoothened the cease on my forehead.

Tapi kenapa ya Allah, this person decided to fcked up & I won’t be lying that I am still upset, deeply, truly heartbroken & enraged that I was left hanging.

It feels like we were thrown into a packed crowd for so long, both struggling to find the exit but the one to escape was this person yet this person didn’t even bother to spare a glance on me yang drowned behind amongst the crowd

I was suffocated.

Rindu yang ada was replaced by hatred. Sayang yang ada was replaced by all the dismissive words I know.

I know you won’t be reading this craps. But the only way to calm me down, lupakan semua ni is to write. The only thing I could do is write.

Ada kau tahu? The day that you vanished completely from life, you’ve taken away my soul as well.

The cause of my shattered heart ripped into pieces was caused by you.

The downfall in my life was because of me crying because of you.

The way I acted coldly to people that approached me surprised me as well.

I blamed everything on you because I was so stupid in placing 100% of my love & sincerity to you yet do you even care?

Damn it.

Late night thought

Days passed by so quick that I didn’t get the chance to realize that my height is still growing even for zero point five cm for each month okay that was exaggerated a bit but whatever-

It feels like baru semalam I wished everyone happy new year for the year of 2014 but now tinggal about four months to greet 2015. Wow just wow.

Takut kan?

That we are growing older yet not knowing what the future hold for us & watching our parents grow as well scared me.

I might not be a decent daughter but I tried my best to be one. Although I think I failed tsk.

My not-so-final semester one examination is coming up as well & I don’t even know what to feel. 

All I do is ask myself “apa aku belajar hari ni”

Whoa there, hold on I’m not the only one that blurted that sentences. Trust me, half of my class did.

Do you ever had this one moment of silence where all you ever did was think about yourself & not even care to bother all the bullshits in life. 

I experienced that a few days ago.

It was when I got back from work in the middle of the night. Was it twelve am or one? Yep, it was around that time that a thrilling yet confusing thought crossed my mind.

Ayah was the one to fetch me every single time I finished working. Kalau ayah ada shooting, it’ll be mom but kalau aqib and syafiq free, kadang kadang diorang hantar balik jugak after diorang teman aku makan malam oops yes I ate every night booyah

Mana tadi?

Oh yes the thought.

Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe I was frustrated. Maybe I was just sad.

As soon as we reached home, ayah went upstairs, leaving me downstairs because I decided to eat instant noodles that night. It wasn’t really pitch black & I’m not really that fond with the darkness. The only source of light that night was only from the dining table. Was it because of the noodles? I started to feel so so so fckn lonely I’m not kidding you.

There was no one around me. I was chaperoned by the silence & I hated that moment. The little things that I kept inside urged to be spilled yet I keep my mouth shut. The volcano in my heart was about to burst. Burning the sensitivity of my nerve called eyes.

Without me realizing, tears streamed down my cheeks & I was so surprised “weh apahal ni”

I knew I was sad but I didn’t want to admit it. Be sad sucks.

You feel me? Nah.

I wanted to whine. Then I picked up my phone on the table, opening my contacts list as I let my thumb scrolled down.

Dumbfounded. I was left dumbfounded when the contacts list came to the end.

The end?

I just realized I aint got no one to talk to. Friends? I got em. But at that night, no one yes, no one came in my mind. It’s like everyone gone missing. Heck yeah I was surprised.

By then, I came to a conclusion where you are actually alone in this world. A loner.

That night, I was a loner. A pathetic one.

I felt yang everyone loathed me, hated me, disliked me and etc. I felt I’ve been annoying to everyone. “was I a menace to everyone?”

Syafiq said I think too much. He said to be positive. He said I was saying craps.

“kalau kau rasa ada orang benci kau, mesti akan ada lebih ramai sayangkan kau, tau tak?”

I keep wanting to fix myself sebab aku tau, sometimes I could turn into a spoiled brat but then, entahlah. Kenapa aku nak happykan hati orang lain? Kenapa aku nak kena jaga hati orang lain?

If I did, siapa nak jaga hati aku? Tak ada kan?

So, kenapa bother?

Do things that make you happy.

If you were asked why are you acting like an asshole or maybe heartless sometimes, speak up; you’re living in this world not to satisfied others but yourself. You deserve happiness.

And I deserve one too.